Standing in the shower this morning, and most mornings is a confusing time for me. I know showers are an every day occurrence. Simple, right, turn the water on, throw the towel over the curtain rod. Toss the pjs in the hamper and climb in. Wash the hair, wash the face, wash the body, right. Nothing to it.
This morning however, I asked the question I ask myself a lot in there, "did I wash my hair". I know I picked the bottle up, but what was I thinking about? Oh yeah, I have to remember to take my allergy medicine and take Elijah's scout popcorn order form to work with me. I hope I can find something to do at work today. I think I was going to go somewhere, I'll have to look on my calender. The hot water running down my face feels really great. How's the best way to breath in while the water runs over my face so i don't drown. . . . Did I wash my hair?" I feel my hair and try to think back to what I'm doing and then go, "I need to try to remember to take those Vitamin B and Ginko supplements to help with memory and focus. I probably should do that before I kiss Katie bye, because she'll ask me a question or tell me something and I will forget to do that. . . . "Did I wash my hair." There's no deep thinking about the meaning of life or the direction I'm going. Last week I forgot to even rinse my body.
I either washed my hair three times, one time, or not at all. As I'm sitting here I still don't know. When i turned the shower off, "Where the Heck did I put my towel? Oh I hung my dry towel on the door to dry.? I know I washed my body because I put shampoo on the scrubber thing first and then added the body wash, the whole time my mind is racing through ideas, all connected by a word, idea, or something I saw in the bathroom.
I wish it was just in the bathroom I do this. Driving to work is exhausting. Having to see everything, not wreck, read bumper stickers, (because if someone is willing to stick little informational decals on a $40K vehicle it might be important, nope just an Obama ad) and make it to the place I originally set out to get to is sometimes iffy.
I know what your thinking. Mitch, you need to just pay attention and get yourself organized. I would agree, but I have calenders, and schedules, and notes, and helps, and alarms, and lists, and so much organizing I don't know which one to look at. I try to keep as little clutter and stuff on my desk as humanly possible, because who knows what I would end up doing with a block of post-it notes sitting in front of me begging for some action to their little stuck-up life. I probably should just have one ink pen ever, because choosing the best one to use is sometimes just as big a hassle as deciding if I washed my hair. It's like living life with constant squirrel attacks.
A number of years ago while working in the mental health field the psychiatrist, on several occasions, "encouraged" me to let him write a prescription for Adult ADD. I said, "Doc, your crazy i don't need meds. I just need to get organized." Before that in college, one of my professors, the one who worked in a psychiatric hospital for 20 years, mentioned based on what he has seen from me, I might would benefit from some medication for ADD. I'm not an active person. If my body moved as much as my brain, I would end up killing people from shear motion and turmoil. I was a B and C student through college and high school. I love to study and learn and read. I can become so enthralled with these activities that I can block almost anything in the world out. BUT I have to reread and rewrite and reread, because I can read something several times and then back and read something I thought I missed, and did. A movie, however, I can fall asleep to before the opening credits are over.
Prayer, well, that is almost impossible. Making myself close my eyes and think in a logical and sequential order and carry on a "one sided" conversation lasts about a minute and a half. I can't even focus on a two sided conversation for long, and it has effected my ability to connect with people.
I'm not even going into the anxiety, fear, and feelings of failure and self-mental abuse I put myself through.
Anyhow, I have been trying to control my mind with non medicinal means. I use brain-gym activities and body movements to stay focused in group settings and teaching times. I take detailed notes to try and keep up with the pastor or teacher. I drink lots of water. I keep Altoids Peppermint with me. I have started taking Ginkgo Biloba and Vitamin B supplements. I have cut back my coffee because too much makes me drowsy. I have cut back on Coke and soft drinks, because sometimes my pants are too tight.
Out of frustration and constantly letting my wife and family down, I have finally made the decision that it is time to go see a doctor about this. I don't know how to go about it though. It seems too weird to make an appointment to talk about this at 36, when I probably should have done something about it a long time ago. Especially when there are so many people abusing prescription drugs in our area. It could possibly have made me a better employee, minister, father and husband. It may be something else in my life. I may just be a simpleton. I may just be lazy or empathetic, but I don't think so.
If you would pray for me in this, however you see fit or Jesus leads. This has been a long difficult decision, and the doctor may still say I don't need it and just need to man up.
Letting Him shape me. Mitch
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